Emotional eating

Ugh.  It’s been a loooong end to the week.  Weekends are supposed to be restorative and get you refreshed for the work week ahead, but they’ve been anything but relaxing these days.  Stressful, in fact.  We are too busy and as a result I’m choosing food that’s not the best for my body and it’s making me feel blah and I don’t like it.  I could make a million excuses about it, but the reality is, they are choices I’m making, soooooo…I should stop.  But food is comforting and sometimes I just want what I want because it makes me happy (in the moment).  It’s lame, but I’m pretty sure everyone on the planet makes similar choices, so I’m only human.

This is Wednesday’s breakfast…a home-made carrot walnut raisin muffin with oats and almond flour.  Topped in cashew butter.  When I have the time, I am pretty good about starting the day right.

As you can see, this was eaten at the table (and photographed!), which means I had the time. Otherwise I’m eating standing over the sink while I attempt to load the kids in the car and run out the door for whatever activity we have.  It’s a miracle thing about having kids…you can be up at 6 am and still be late for something at 9 am.  Well, that’s a lie.  I’m a punctual person so my “late” is on time, and my “on time” is 5-10 minutes early.  But you get the point.  I hate rushing with meals so it’s super important to me to try to give myself the time to eat.  Sounds basic, but it’s not always easy.

Impulse buy from TJs last week.

Yes, I know it has wheat/gluten.  I’m not going to try to justify why I think it’s ok or whatever for a low fodmap diet because to be perfectly honest, it isn’t.  It’s not terrible, by any means, though and I wanted to try it, so I got it.  And it was awesome.  But I had regurg for the rest of the day.  I’m not sure if it would have been as big of an issue had I stuck to the two shown below, but I was starving (I ate lunch way too late this day) so I went back for more and that’s where I think I went wrong.

I put avocado and Kite Hill almond cheese on top.  So yum.

After naps we picked Kyle up from the train station and went to farmer’s market.

We came home for dinner though because I didn’t feel like spending $ when we had leftovers to finish at home. I didn’t really feel like the broccoli dish, but like I said, it was fridge clean out day, so this was my contribution. I don’t even remember what I gave the kids or Kyle!!

Helllooooo lovahhhh.

Definitely went back for seconds.  New pledge: only get what I get the first time around, no seconds!  There.  It’s in writing.

Thursday breakfast!  It was a hot workout and I was in the mood for a smoothie.  I am low on Vega chocolate protein powder.  I should keep my eyes open for the next WF supplement sale. In truth, I barely had time to finish this before leaving the house.  I ended up bringing the mug in the car and shoveling it down my face between P’s preschool drop off and V’s play group (which start at the same time FYI).

Lunch salad du jour had kale, miso dressing, carrots, avocado, and salty almonds.

A weird thing started happening lately with my huge kale salads. They have started making my GI symptoms flare.  I noticed it a bit last week and then I kinda took a few days off them this week and am not sure what to make of it because I had other things that made my body feel yucky too so I need to figure out what’s up.

I am really starting to dislike Thursday nights because they are too crazy.  We go straight from soccer to tee ball and then we have to drive an hour to my parents’ house before OIT Fridays. And somewhere in there they have to eat dinner (and he has to get his milk dose but remain inactive for an hour before bed). It’s stressful trying to coordinate it all.  I won’t be too sad when the season ends in two weeks.

Because Kyle had to coach this week and I was in charge of snacks, we couldn’t cut out early either.  By the time we left the game it was already 6:30 so I knew there was NO WAY we could wait another hour to eat dinner.  So we ate in Davis (taco leftovers) before packing up the car to drive to the Bay.

OIT day!

He eats breakfast before we drive to Fremont, but I try to keep him eating fairly regularly throughout the appointment to cushion his stomach for the milk doses.

We got through SO MANY updoses!  It was really nerve-wracking to be honest, because the cumulative amount he got seemed like a ton (it was, in fact, over 3/4 a cup in a 3 hour time span).

After a 90 minute wait, he was cleared for the last dose (60 cc), so off we went to WF.

I had been on pins and needles for the last hour at the office because he was showing (very minor) signs of congestion – sneezing with a slightly stuffed up nose – but I just kept feeding him and distracting him and keeping him calm and inactive and eventually it cleared up!  Phew!

So there I am at WF, a ball of nerves with endless food options at my fingertips, and what do I want to eat?  Cream of tomato soup and a soft pretzel.  Obviously, this was a bad idea, but it was calling to me.  I went back and forth so many times before saying F&^% it and getting the dang soup.  Dairy and wheat in one sitting ohhhh buddy.  This is after my stomach was still reeling from the rye seed crackers the day before.  Oh and I had a Quest bar that morning with lots of other icky weird stuff too!  Poor gut.  I just don’t even give it a chance.

In addition to the (gluten-y) soft pretzel and (creamy) tomato soup, I had kale chips (that I brought from home). It was an amazing meal, to be honest, but probably not the best for my gut’s sake.

P napped the whole way home (which was an hour longer than normal due to major traffic) and when we arrived at my parents’ house he was totally rested and energized (and symptom free). My dad had national park quarters to add to his collection. Nerd alert!! V had recently woken from a nap, too, so they were both bouncing off the walls, while I was dragging.  I hate to say it but I was kinda dozing off on the way home.  I had NPR on (This American Life) and that combined with the traffic, I was seriously freaking out that I was going to crash!  I kept shaking my head and finally put on some music that I could sing along to.  Obvs I made it fine, but man was I exhausted when I got there.

My parents’ Costco sells kombucha (Kevita brand) and since I have gotten my whole family hooked on the ‘buch, they had some in their fridge.  It helped calm my stomach and offered a mini dose of caffeine.  I’ve never tried the kevita brand (I’m a pretty loyal GT’s person), and it was a flavor I’d never think to try (pineapple peach) but it was so good!  I asked my mom to grab me a 6 pack next time she’s at Costco because ours doesn’t have them.

We spent the rest of the afternoon in the backyard being spazzes, picking eating stuff from the garden, and keeping my dad company while he did yard work).

This carrot wasn’t ready but that didn’t stop them from gnawing on it for the rest of the afternoon.  And eating a bunch of the green tops.

They took turns a few times, but eventually she just claimed it as her own.  He was fine with it, naturally, because it was hard as a rock.

They ate parsley, rosemary, and red leaf lettuce, too before finding their way to the citrus trees.

They looooove hanging with grandma and grandpa in the backyard.

I don’t even know what they were looking at or discussing here…

But there’s V, just holding on to her carrot and lemon for dear life.

I even had to change her diaper with her holding them!

My dad grilled burgers for dinner – turkey and beef.  And we made two kinds of fries (krinkle cut were 365 brand, regular were Alexia foods) and a spinach salad (pistachios, strawberries, balsamic vinaigrette dressing).

I didn’t hold back even a little when it came to this meal.

I had seconds of fries, added extra mayo to my burger half way through eating it, and finished the avo coated GF bread off both of my kids’ plates.  It’s like I was on a mission.  I was too tired and full for dessert and ended up going to bed at 9 pm that night because I just wanted to end the day.

P was doing great after his dinner dose, and he actually fell asleep pretty quickly after we put him to bed…but I had a weird feeling about him.  It’s easy to label it as “mom intuition” in hindsight, but I really had this nagging feeling that something was off and even got up to check on him after I was in bed.  He was sleeping, so I just went back to bed.  Luckily he was in our room because a few hours later I heard him moaning followed by a weird gagging sound.  I sprang out of bed, knowing right away that he was throwing up, and raced to the bathroom with him in one arm and a handful of vomit in the other.  Sorry to be graphic.  The rest of the night was all kinds of terrible.  Kyle was a rock star helper, starting laundry and whatnot while I sat with him in the bathroom rubbing his back and holding him.  It never actually stopped until noon the next day.  He was pretty good about telling us when he was done (for the time being) and then we’d clean him up, crawl back in bed (all sleeping together) and 10, 20, sometimes 45 minutes would pass and we’d suddenly know it was time to race back to the bathroom.  We ran out of clothes pretty immediately, so he was in my socks and his tee ball jersey by the time the sun came up.

He told me playing trains would help him get energy and that would make his tummy feel better. Who am I to argue with that logic?!  Especially on zero sleep…

He wanted nothing to do with food all day, but I did get him to try a few sips of my strawberry banana sun butter smoothie.  He threw it up a few hours later though.  🙁

Aside from the intermittent vomit, he was in decent spirits!  He helped me bake cookies because I promised him the day before that we would.

They were chocolate with coconut flakes and gluten free.

The second half had walnuts because I wanted them but he didn’t, so that was our compromise.

At some point, Kyle took them off to do a secret activity (which I now know was making me a bowl at color me mine for Mother’s Day).

I had called our OIT MD already and he told us to skip the morning dose because P wasn’t eating anything, and he didn’t eat lunch either, so we decided to play his evening dose by ear too.

I couldn’t stop thinking about his poor little body, suffering as I forced him to eat such a big dinner so that he could handle his new high dose.  I should have known better than to think he could handle all that milk in one day.  I should have listened to his cues more closely.  We should have been more cautious with the amount of updosing.  Should have, should have, should have.   Now we are missing doses, which we have never done, which will probably put us back to square one. Two steps forward, one step back. It’s impossible to know what the right approach is, but one thing is for sure, once he feels better, we are slowing this process way down.  Maybe that means taking a week off every once in a while.  Or simply doing one updose per appointment.  But now that the amounts of milk are so huge, it seems reckless to drown his gut in allergens.  Especially because he is the slowest eater of all time.  To get him to eat a big meal, it takes an hour of coaxing (aka nagging) and that turns me into a person I reallllly don’t want to be.  I wish I could let him nibble away for hours on end, but that’s really not practical for oit dosing.  Anyway, I have a million thoughts on this, so I’ll cut it off there.  It’s basically all I can think about these days.  Ever since this incident I have been living in a state of controlled panic leading up to each dose, which is totally NOT THE POINT of doing desensitization in the first place!

Kyle stayed with the kids while I went to another wedding shower for my sister.   It was catered by kebab burger, which is a Mediterranean place in town and I couldn’t help but drown my worries in hummus.  The falafel and hummus were seriously amazing.  I was all but licking the plate.

Eventually I made it back to Kyle and the kids and we loaded up the car to drive back to Davis…

Which was a pretty miserable drive.

V entertained herself fine with food, but P was on the edge of melting down the entire drive (who could blame him after his horrible night and day!).  Truth be told, I was melting down too!  It didn’t help that the drive took 2 hours!!  Or that V dumped a bag of cereal all over the car (that P was feeling up to eating).  Or that we had no dinner planned and it was well past their dinner times. I am getting stressed out just writing about it again now.

I pulled together a meal of randoms, including roasted chickpeas and hard boiled eggs for the kids (P ate a little!).  I had this Caesar salad with smoked salmon, which tasted great, but caused my stomach to completely flip out (due to the dairy in the dressing).  Usually I can tolerate a little Caesar dressing, but my psychological state must have affected my gut because it wasn’t pretty.

The good news of the night was that I ended up giving P his dose and he did fine with it.  I was nervous because he didn’t eat much, but I stuck to the amount from last week (30 cc) and we sat and read books and stayed inactive until he went to bed.  Kyle and I both checked on him multiple times that night and he was fine, so we are back to where we were last week but at least he’s ok.

No dessert for me.  I was so tired I went to bed as soon as P was down at 8:30.

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Comments (9)

  1. Jessica

    Ohhhh Elise sorry to hear all the busy drama and gut issues. =( Hang in there! Life and commitments have a way of creeping up on you and before you know it it’s so ridiculously busy that it gets overwhelming. And that definitely isn’t good for gut health! Glad to hear its only a couple more weeks till the end of the sports seasons. That will help you a lot. And plus it’s not your fault about P’s reactions to the milk, so don’t beat yourself up about it. He has been progressing in leaps and bounds and this is the first setback. Keep moving forward and just do your best, it’s the best you can do! Soon his milk allergy will be a distant memory, you will see. =D

  2. Lindsey

    Poor thing! How awful. So they definitely think the vomiting was from the updose?

    We start in less than two weeks and I keep trying to talk myself out of it. Mainly because we’re starting with peanuts, and they offer OIT for tree nuts (he’s allergic to all but almond, so maintenance eating would be a LOT for a four year old with all those nuts) and then sesame. He’s also still allergic to unbaked egg, has OAS to many fruits and allergic to salmon. So part of me thinks – is it worth all of the difficulty when we STILL have to read labels forever? Also I’ve been following your journey and I’m going to have to take my 1.5 year old to appointments so that should also prove interesting. Though our doc has a slow and steady approach, I think only up dosing every other week.

    I hate allergies 🙁

  3. Elise (Post author)

    UGH. I feel for you. I’m not sure what I’d do…if we had so many different allergies it would be hard. It’s already difficult to force 1/4 cup of milk down his throat. I don’t want him to hate the whole thing!! And we haven’t even gotten to peanuts yet. Ugh. I hate allergies.

  4. Elise (Post author)

    Thanks Jess!!

  5. Lesq

    Wow, I care about you so much my special blog friend that I have a nervous stomach reading this!!!! OMG!!!!! What a night!!!! You are doing something with OIT for P that hopefully have a positive outcome in the future but the present part of it is emotionally and physically debilitating. Sh@t, life’s journey is so damn littered with chaos, messiness and stress st times. This toshsll pass on upward and onward you will go. We have had stuff like this and you need to plug on like a solider like u always do, just don’t debilitate yourself along the way, bec then u will be good for nobody–if u do that you won’t be useful to your family who needs your strength😳😳. As I know from my own family, they always do and always will. Sooooosome self care is necessary–wow need to take my own advice. Also, just some advice from my own life bec it’s scary how much alike we r!!!! I saw those crackers. They had them out for sample and the woman gave me three whole ones to take home. I ate one and stomach destroy–never again esp with about killer day. Just a thought almond flour recks my gut and my dr told me to stay clear of kale, spinach, chard and collards bec of all the oxlolates and they r severely constioating bec of their slow transit movement. My colleague actually got killed deny stones from them. Sooooo now my go-to-kale(love of my life) is off limits. I think possibly the wheat in small quantities might not be the culprit as long as it is from an artisan bakery and all locally grown. Buttttt, no nuts just nut butter, no greens, and no white chicken breast. This was dr advice–“anything that could be s plug along the GI track is out”. Great leaves a lot of enjoyment in my lives from regarding food, but I am at your point right now and leaving on s big trip in three weeks so have a small window of time to clean my act up which can be torture for me, foods fun as well as comfort. Sooo there u have it long winded and friggin preachy but from a full loving heart for a friend who care so much but never met!! Uf you want me to ever share my dr’s very grloful advice just let me know bec like u, I research my butt off and no wayyy toooo much and employe wayyyy to little.

  6. Carrie

    I was just catching up on your blog and read several entries in a row. It really is amazing what progress you guys have made, but I can’t imagine how frustrating and scary these setbacks are for you. My daughter has egg and sesame allergies but so far we have not had issues keeping them away from her (thank you for you kind comments a while back!). I can’t imagine what you and other commenters deal with with so many and such serious allergies. P is so lucky to have you looking out for him always!

  7. Elise (Post author)

    I’ll work on self care if you will too. I always manage to clean up my act before trips too. Vacation? Tell me allllll about it so I can live vicariously through you!!! Take care of yourself my friend…xxx!!! PS your MD sounds like he is so on top of GI stuff! I should look and see if anyone around here has a more wholistic approach to gut health. I do all the research on my own, but it would be nice to find an expert in the field to trouble shoot w me.

  8. Courtney

    I feel you on the stress/emotional eating. I am there too and it is so hard to stop, even though it makes you feel icky. Sick kids are high on the stress scale for sure, plus the added scare of P’s allergies. We found out the hard way last week that my daughter is allergic to strawberries, which was a shock. I know it is nothing compared to P’s allergies, but I understand how it can be nerve wracking.

    I keep meaning to ask you–when you eat out and bring food for your kids, do they really not mind and not want what you are having? Even now with my daughter who is just 16 months old, I’ll bring her food in the very rare instances that we eat out, but she always wants what I am eating. Is it because of P’s allergies that he just knows he can’t have it so he is okay with food from home? What about with V? They always look so happy to be eating your food from home, and I think is is amazing! I would love for my little one to be okay with that too.

  9. Elise (Post author)

    Part of me thinks I just got lucky in that P’s disposition is such that he doesn’t care. He really doesn’t mind going to group things and eating different stuff. I get the feeling V would be more difficult to manage allergies for though, because she definitely wants to eat what we are. But since we usually let her, she has no idea that it’s not allowed. Whereas P has grown up with always having me explain his allergies to him and repeatedly reminding him of why he has to be aware of what foods are around him and what he is touching and how cross contamination works (poor kid). He also knows that oit is going to allow him to, say, go to a restaurant and order something off the menu…or eat at a communal table with his allergens present…etc. which is a fairly motivating reason for him, although he really does seem to prefer my cooking to most other options so that’s more of motivation for me than anything else, haha.

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